Once upon a time, I was quite triggered by a guy I liked who wouldn't reply to all of my messages. He would reply in single words or reply quickly when we were planning to meet. In person, he had been quite sweet and caring but his not replying to all my texts made me feel quite hurt, angry and confused. He didn't have a plausible explanation nor did he apologize. So I lost interest but it got me thinking about why was his behavior on texts affecting me so much. I had already come a long way since my childhood in recognizing my self-worth and what I deserve, and I have had very therapeutic experiences in which I was accepted completely for who I was. So yes, despite all the inner work and correctional experiences, why was I being at the mercy of a boy?
I was nudged into this direction by a podcast episode by Hailey Hoffman Smith titled 'How to work with your triggers and move to your highest timeline'. So, as she recommended, I felt the pain and discomfort completely and reminded myself that this trigger was actually calling my attention to a wound that I'd been carrying for a long time. I was happy and thankful for this pain and hurt to have come up because now, I can consciously give it attention. So, I did that during my meditation session but still couldn't understand why I was so hurt. However, sleep is an amazing thing. 👏 Just after a nap, it dawned upon me that we as children are quite sensitive and soak in everything.
The root of this pain came from me seeing myself in the role of Kajol in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. As a child I did that because I used to dress like her then but boy oh boy, it was an extremely unhealthy stereotype that I had internalized. First of all, I made looks very important in my mind but at the same time knew that you can not look very fashionable or glamorous but still be a good person. However, if a guy doesn't like you, it is mostly due to your looks. But this messaging was not quite strong. What was of primary importance and the root cause of my pain was seeing Kajol being devastated and shattered to know that the person she loved so dearly was in love with someone else. This shows non-acceptance of the reality of people's wishes and extremely low self-worth that makes you feel bad about yourself just because a guy does not like you the way you like him. She did not see herself to be worthy enough to think that she had better things to do in life than whine over someone who didn't love her romantically. She did not have an Eckhart appreciation for life and the enormous possibilities that this amazing, juicy, resourceful and responsive world provides! She did not value her own life which is surely magnificent and amazing but temporary. The problem is that we create hopes and expectations of the future as we dream about it and we reject the present. In the 'Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle, he has put it quite sensibly. He states that to be in the now or to be free, you need to forgive not just people, including yourself but also the past, present and future; and that there is no difference between forgiveness and acceptance. Both of them mean that there is no resistance to your experience of reality. This way, every moment is seen with new eyes.
It is relevant here to understand that we keep making so many decisions and live our lives, without really questioning if the value-judgements that we live by are ours or are inherited from our ancestors or our society. Basically, it is called conditioning or socialization. We would accept that we are quite delusional if we actually realize the multitude of ways in which society has messed up our minds. The 'civilizations' all around the have socialized us in every aspect of our lifestyle so much so that it has literally imprisoned us. I am using a very strong word here but if we actually trace back our thoughts or contemplate why we do the things that we do, we would notice that civilization has made life unnecessarily complex and the norms, expectations and values that we have internalized are often not healthful for us. Many of them are not nurturing or nourishing in any way whatsoever. The entire fashion industry is built around shame. Feeling less worthy and judging others goes hand in hand and it is not one person's fault. It is just the effect of growing up in a society that has a long but sure way to go spiritually.
Last but not least, that realisation that I had internalized the need to pity myself, get hurt and feel disappointed because a guy didn't treat me the way I expected, was an aha moment! I am forever cured of this problem and it is in fact quite laughable to even think all this from a soul level. That's because the present can't change, I don't want anyone who doesn't want me anyway and I know for a fact through experience that when I'm feeling bad, I am feeling that way because I am not aware of the truth. When you're aligned with the truth, you can't be sad.
So, now if anyone ignores you, to bother is none of your business. Live and let live but first, live! The best thing to do is to be grateful to have had the experience and thank the person for it.
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